Genius Invention: The ACR 2000

Wow. I stumbled onto a brilliant idea earlier this morning. Could change the way procrastinators chop wood forever. (Full disclosure: The few people who have seen the picture have been almost uniformly unimpressed. Probably like Edison’s friends were unimpressed.)

Here it is. Prepare to be amazed.

Everybody who burns wood knows that try as you might to prepare during the sunshine, you’re probably going to be doing some splitting in the winter. At least for kindling. It’s human nature. And many people (probably ill-advisedly) do that splitting in the garage. The benefits of garage-splitting are obvious: staying out of the snow; keeping your new kindling dry; chopping in your pajamas. But there are risks, too: making a mess, chipping your concrete, or—worst of all—denting your wall, car, or garage door. (I’ve read that people do this. Stupid, right? Of course, I’d never ding anything up while chopping indoors. Not anything noticeable, anyway. Well, too noticeable.)

Well, fellow garage-choppers, I’m here for you. Introducing the “Anderson Chop-Ring 2000.” (Patent pending. All rights reserved.) See, I just so happened to have some rubber rings in my garage. They happened to be stacked two high. And they happened to be by my axe. (I know, I know: like Newton “happened” to be under an apple tree the day he invented gravity. Like Redd Green “happened” to have an extra role of duct tape laying around the day he invented, well, everything.) Anyway, I go out to my garage to make some kindling. I put the wood in my tires…er, my ACR 2000 (TM). I split the wood in the rings, mostly because I didn’t want to, you know, pick them up and move them, which sounds a lot like work. Well, Eureka! My laziness has finally paid off. Amazingly, the wood pieces didn’t launch into either my garage door (again) or my car, both of which were mere inches from the splitting site. (See photo.)

But wait. There’s more! I didn’t even have to bend over to set the wood back up for the next chop. The ACR 2000 automatically reloads for the next swing. Ever struggle with pieces that won’t stand up because of a slanted or pointed edge? Not any more! The ACR 2000 holds even the crookedest of pieces upright and ready. And because of the concave design of the rings, the bark and chips dislodged by the chopping action don’t scatter across the floor. They actually stay in the easy-to-clean rings. “No muss, no fuss. Fix it and forget it.”

But wait. There’s more! After wood-burning season, the ACR 2000 can be used on your vehicle. I know. Almost too good to be true. The ACR 2000 changed my life. And it just might change the world, at least in northern climates.

Try it now. Thank me later.


8 Responses

  1. I don’t think that’s very safe. I’m imagining an axe head rebounding off the rubber and ricocheting off of someone’s head.

  2. “can be used on your vehicle”. hope you know how to remove splintes from tires. i’m still smarting over the last comment you made on fb. ouch!

  3. Yeah, about safety: My Two Cents can’t be held liable for accidents that occur using the ACR 2000. On the other hand, imagine missing without this device. Ouch.

    N, I’m sure the comment was ironical. Kind of the way I’m rolling today. Comic relief. :)

  4. You know what’s really funny…in my travels through the fundagelical blogosphere the past several days, this has been one of the more valuable pieces I’ve come across…scary :-)

  5. I do what I can, bro. Where else you gonna get content like this?? ;)

  6. Pastor, if these tires are good, this is a very expensive invention! If they are bald, it is very cheap! $2 each, I’d say. :-)

  7. I don’t have any of the problems you mentioned. I split all my firewood in the spring and summer so I don’t have to bother with it in the winter. My wife stays at home so all she has to do is throw it on the fire.

  8. Why do people have to chop wood?

    Andrew from Tampa

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