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An Open Letter to Dr. Stratton

Dear Dr. Stratton,

I said some nice things about you a few weeks back, all of which are true. However, upon reviewing pictures from your recent visit I discovered that you stomped on my daughter Esther on the trampoline. I have a picture to prove it:

Dick Stratton Stomps Esther

Poor girl. (Cha-ching!)

Knowing that I’m not supposed to sue a brother, I’d be glad to settle out of court. Since it’s my day off, I’ve been able to come up with some off-the-top-of-my-head settlement options:

  1. Cash. Name your own price. Just how motivated are you to make this little scandal go away? Hmm?
  2. Tuition. And board. For Esther. And her sisters. For four years. Each.
  3. How does “Esther Anderson Dormitory” sound? Or better yet, “Chris Anderson Auditorium”? (Caution: A shed behind the gym won’t do it. Well, probably not. Talk to me.)
  4. I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, honorary or otherwise. That would be painless.

Think it over, before this gets any messier.

In Christian love,


p.s. Dibs on Chuck’s legal services. Sorry.

12 Responses

  1. (Psst! And a doctorate for your friends!)

  2. I am thinking of a name for your biography.

    How about “From a Life of Exhortation to a Life of Extortion: The Tragic Story of Chris Anderson”, eagerly written by Andrew Henderson.

  3. Gotta say this is probably going to show up on a chapel powerpoint sometime while you are here. Funny stuff. I’m so proud of the humility you showed in Christian confrontation and restoration.

  4. Thanks, Phil. It’s not about me.

    Well, maybe a little. Okay. It’s all about me.

    BTW, nice “Dr.”, Phil. (Dr. Phil?) Who stomped on your daughter?

  5. Getting a PhD this way is certainly less painful than the conventional route. Go for it.

  6. do you have elders preaching again on sunday????

  7. How about a pavilion? :)

  8. Josh, it was my day off. Which makes me wonder…is today yours? ;)

    And Mark, I’m not sure many will catch the allusion, but that is very funny! You calling me a liberal?

  9. Hilarious!

  10. Clearwater has the right view of education. They don’t give away honorary doctorates!

    I think your best option might be #2.

  11. Sold! Number two it is! I’ll just send a copy of this thread with Rebekah in 6 years.

    And just think, the honorary doctorate would have saved the school $400,000. That’s conviction!

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